atypical virgo

can you ever describe yourself in just one word? apparently, i can’t. i am still trying to know what am i really made of and please, don’t be a moron. i obviously know that i’m made up of bones, fats and a widespread skin. 

i met up with robert pattinson and emilie de ravin at causeway point yesterday. i caught up with them at approximately 2145hrs. we exchanged hello’s and views on the current el nino phenomenon and off we went our separate ways. they did what they did best while i succumbed to the forceful power of the cinema seat. like a little girl, i sat watching how robert articulate his dialogues. he gave scruffy and unkempt a whole new meaning. one word, sexy. ;)

alright, robert aside. i am actually attracted to the character ally craig played by emilie de ravin. ally; intriguing, smart and quick-witted. i just love how she made quirkiness and randomness very appealing. without ally, tyler would have been just another sad case of rich, intelligent boy gone astray due to social reasons. to me, ‘remember me’ is a good film about judgment and relationships. about the complexity of one’s mind. 

so yeah, even i can’t describe someone else with just one word. what makes me think that i can describe myself with only ONE word. no, never. if you can, maybe you could tell me how? did you combine all the nouns together and made up something like, ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’? 

exhausted by the exasperation from this sickly state of mine, i swallowed colorful pills that don’t seem to make me feel any better. temperature is rising and it made me wish for only one thing. to detach my nose and throat from it’s original place. wash them thoroughly, scrape every bit of mucus off its surface and, when all is clean and healthy, place it back to where it belongs.

i wanted to obtain a medical certificate for tomorrow’s night shift but i remembered, i already had 2 impending replacements to do. i can’t afford to be on m.c again, i don’t want to do lots of replacements. hopefully i do get better, i mean work is a blast! i love it when in a day, it can get so busy, i sometimes forget to pee and i also am excite by the kind of cases i might get. talk about alcohol intoxication in the middle of the night or hyperventilation due to some social problem. those are really fun cases to handle. i can either see it as, the death of me or an experience of a lifetime.

pardon my sarcasm, i just am describing what i do with just a tinge of dislike. don’t get me wrong, despite the long hours and the senseless calls i get sometimes, i actually like whatever i am doing. to be able to cater to the needs of the sick and unwell, i’m glad i chose healthcare. kudos to me! hahaha. but now i’m sick. i need a nurse. will my patients be able to nurse me just like i nurse them? apparently they can, if they want to. so yeah, thanks for the zyrtec. i really appreciate it. ;)

with profanities shining incandescently, i shall use it to unfold the feelings deep within. feelings that interferes with the peaceful and serene thoughts i forced myself to have. feelings and thoughts, two conflicting effects sent by the body regarding the same matter. these two are the reason why i have an imbalance mind, an unrest soul. i need to have a focal point, and where in this ugly calloused world is it?? i can’t find my bloody focal point. 

but nonetheless, i need to tell you this. my life isn’t about you and solely you. i have tons of other things to bother and ponder on. you enter and exit my life whenever you liked. fuck you. don’t you realise by now? that all i wanted was to enjoy the simplicity and complexity of life together with you. hand in hand, side by side. yet you created a big gap between us and it got so deep, i drowned countless times trying to get hold of you on the other side. i can’t swim remember? ass. 

so why is it each time i decide to move on and keep the hope away from my sight, you’d come unexpectedly knocking on my door? please. if you are confuse, why not enjoy your confusion alone? live in your own mind, filled with psychedelic images and neon lights. you love those things, don’t you? that’s why you did not need me back then, i presume. 

you should know better, it wasn’t an easy decision to leave, as even after the BREAK UP, i still hoped and waited for you. but time and time again, ASS, you played with and nibble onto my heart as though it’s a butterscotch cookie. i felt like an idiot, wait, an idiot is an understatement. i can’t find a better word to describe myself, perhaps you’d like to suggest one? 

i KNOW i had some wrongdoings, but i think i wasn’t being selfish for wanting you to stop all the unnecessary negligence. for fuck’s sake, we had been in a relationship so long we could almost bore a child and sent him/her to pre-school. i relied on hope and beliefs added with an advise from my aunt. i let you have whatever you want, as i believe you’ll change into a fine young man. the kind of wish a mum will have on a son. but i’m not your mum, not even the closest thing to you like you always proclaimed. i was just there, an accessory to your rather dull life i guess. if i’m wrong, enlighten me. 

now u’re telling me all these fancy promises, i can’t believe you. it’s hard to believe, as words don’t make sense unless they’re acted out. you’re boy who called wolf billions of times, do you realise that?

don’t you dare say i give up and i’m not the girl you believe i am. what right do you have? aren’t you just talking about yourself that way? now, i can’t see the lover i use to dream of. i don’t think i even know who you are. you confuse me to a point whereby i decide, enough is enough and fuck it all out the window. even if one were to eat shit and drink pee, nothing is ever gonna change if you don’t challenge yourself. so what’s up with all the idealistic promises? you knew words are never gonna bring you anywhere. please. 

to grow into old age, without having anyone by your side, i pity you.

you, whose hands fed the children you bore, i believe your love is true.

reminiscing failures and gains, you count each day like a dripping dew.

saddened by the present, you’d pray to leave, as you’re loved by few.

mouths you fed, burdened by your needs and necessities, left you askew.

hard to believe you’d say, but deep down you knew, they’ve forgotten you.

it pains me to see an elderly person being neglected by his/her own flesh and blood. i am no saint but i still am able to distinguish between right and wrong. the fragile hands of a frail body has only one wish; to be cherish till death. is it that hard? 

oh well, i just had nothing better to do while buffering this japanese series i’m currently hooked to, so i decided to take a personality quiz. haha! seriously, your comments, just keep it to yourself alright? whatever they may be anyway. ;)

so yeah. here goes.

What type of personality do you have?

Kind and Gentle Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

i enjoyed the madhatter. i love it when he spoke with this little lisp. i enjoyed my friday. yes, i did. :)

today, gonna go for an awards thingy at marina bay float. i mean, that’s what my cousin told me at least, ‘an awards thingy’. hehs~ but i wish i can steal a couple of hours worth of sleep before i actually go out. but i can’t. there are things called ‘chores’. i’m gonna have to tear myself away from this lappy of mine at 1330hrs. sharp. that is if i speed up the rate of my typing. 

anyway, what i wanted to say was, i had a fun time yesterday. though initially was fickle (after agreeing to meet), i’m actually glad i did go out after all. i need to experience first-hand that sometimes, god-given good looks are actually paired with good brains. no offence. :P

i can’t assume, as assumptions will make me an ass, not that one ass isn’t enough. it’s sufficient. so yeah, bit by bit, i need to challenge myself and challenge whatever silly personal beliefs i might have. cause to change oneself is to actually shed away personal beliefs. not all, maybe only those that might contain toxin. 

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”  ~ unknown

i need to constantly remind myself to be strong as deep down, i know i can crumble easily. ~amizaspaika

i looked through an old notebook of mine and i saw this,

hey world, i woke up today, crying. i had a bad dream. a dream or a nightmare (to be exact), which i would not ever forget. i was seventeen years older than my seventeen years of age now.

it was 2022 and i had turn 34. at 34, i was penniless. no job, no husband due to bad marriage, no kids, no vice, no hope. i lived alone. my family severed ties with me as a result of my disapproved marriage. i lived in darkness. trying to get support, i grasp something sharp. bleeding without any cries, i felt satisfaction from the pain. all the anguish, miseries and sadness went down the drain. no guilt was in my mind. i’m still bleeding, till my last gasp for air. i was dead in my nightmare.

i woke up crying, looking around my dimly-lit room. i never felt so alone. so lost, confused and scared. i cried and cried. tears flowed down wild. i felt remorseful. never did i want such an ending to my life. a sorry and sympathetic ending.

at 17, now, i’m high on life and wishes for a good future. no one can stop me from speaking my mind. i’m trying to love my life, i don’t want my life to be wasted. i have hopes, dreams and desires and i want it to come true. i just need to believe in myself, with determination and perseverance.

written when i was 17, back in 2005. now at 22, i’m still working on my last few sentences. guess, living life is actually hard. but i thank god i’m still alive.

i also saw this excerpt i wrote on my notebook,

posture is acceptable; reality is not. children gets murdered. life traps you. love is disappointing. can we face up to it? no, the truth has to be glossed over for public consumption. ~ Soho Black (Christopher Fowler)

personally, i agree to whatever is written above. not many would actually accept the harsh reality and cruelty of life. are you one of them?

i’m wishing for 24 hrs of sleep. i need to let my body rest, it’s screaming and is already shouting vulgarities at me. i can’t take it anymore. gawd, can you please extend the hours of the day? if you can do so, maybe it’ll be great if you can turn on the air-conditioner for us too? not that i’m an ingrate, just that, life hasn’t been easy lately. i mean, you planned it for me, written it down for me and i totally understand that, but i think, you can be sweeter if you can do that for me. i need sleep and it’s impossible to sleep in this heat. i know i am not pious and it’s laughable enough that i am actually asking a favor from you. i hadn’t do much to actually receive any help or reward from you. i understand that. my bet.

but if you’d reconsider, maybe you can let me sleep longer? not forever of course. i still have things to achieve and fulfill. please. i beg of you.

for being alive without a motive or goal is really a waste of skin and to give up without even trying, do you still need to know what i think? ~amizaspaika