sometimes, there is a reason why i prefer to be alone.
be by myself and having conversations with none other but me.
today has been one of those moments i felt alone despite being surrounded with loved ones. how did it get that way? i talked, laughed and smiled yet there was a swift sense of emptiness in me which i cannot really comprehend. was everything simply glossed over?
i have no idea.
i see pictures of people celebrating and wondered, why is that not the case with us? are we not happy? we are, i supposed. just not captured on one of world’s greatest inventions. love said something similar the other day; about happiness and pictures. he told me that he does not need to put up a picture on FB to depict how happy he is with me. i cannot remember it word for word but it was something along that line.
so why? if i know i am happy, why the emptiness?
perhaps it is because a part of me felt my ramadhan was not fulfilling enough and i have no clue if i am able to greet the next. we are running out of time. is this not the opportunity to strive for His love in the Hereafter? it certainly is. thus, i am mentally making notes to myself and with His will, i am able to fulfill it.
to top the fleeting emptiness, i was provoked. please. you do not want to trigger the anger in me during a time of celebration and joy. thus, those tears shed was not a sign of sadness, weakness or vulnerability but simply because i knew my limitations. thank god i knew my limitations but do you? please do not say things when you know nuts about me. do not ask me what i do with my money, judge me and give me an advise i certainly do not appreciate because i know i did not get a new phone, buy a gucci bag or do anything which can contribute to being extravagant.
there. an example of why i appreciate my time alone.
people do not spend time to understand and ask questions but they simply listened and say the things they deemed as appropriate. “don’t be extravagant”, “save it for studies”. honestly, it is a shame as it reflects how much you people know about me. i strongly believe i am not extravagant and it is a known fact i will save it for studies. the people i am closed to can vouch for that and those people are not even my relatives. so please. before you even think of advising me, why not get to know me first or in this case; again. i spend my money on my family and no, i did not revamp the whole house or even bought them a brand new home-theater system.
no advise fits all. even a pair of shoes does not snugly fit a pair of feet. i know what i did and He knows what i feel. i will only let Him judge me and not you, mere humans. we are all the same. none is born superior than the other. it might not be easy to comprehend but i am a complicated being and i choose to believe we all are.